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Sep. 22nd, 2005 @ 01:50 pm
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You are a
Social Conservative
(36% permissive)
and an...
Economic Liberal
(25% permissive)
You are best described as a:
Totalitarian
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid |
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Jul. 19th, 2005 @ 08:00 am
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How appropriate is this??
Nihilist Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by QuizillaCurrent Mood:  amused Current Music: Tool -- Sober |
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May. 5th, 2005 @ 09:29 pm
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Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defences
Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Turn your face away from cold, unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night
Close you eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar
And you'll live as you've never lived before
Softly, deftly, music shall caress you
Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the music of the night
Let your mind start a journey through a strange, new world
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
Let your soul take you where you long to go
Only then can you belong to me
Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in
To the harmony which dreams alone can write
The power of the music of the night
You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the nightCurrent Mood:  artistic Current Music: Gee, I wonder. |
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Wait another minute
Can't you see what this pain has fuckin' done to me
I'm alive and still kickin'
What you see I can't see and maybe you'll think before you speak
I'm alive for you
I'm awake because of you
I'm alive I told you
I'm awake swallowing you
Take another second
Turn your back on me and make believe that you're always happy
It's safe to say you're never alive
A big part of you has died and by the way,I hope you're satisfied
I'm alive for you
I'm awake because of you
I'm alive I told you
I'm awake swallowing you
Tearing it back unveiling me
Taking a step back so I can breathe
Hear the silence about to break
Fear resistance when I'm awake
I'm alive for you
I'm awake because of you
I'm alive I told you
I'm awake swallowing youCurrent Mood:  pissed off |
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A thought has just occurred to me. This weekend is quite the landmark anniversary date for Alicia and I. We are celebrating 6 months of going out. For those of you who know me, you already know that this is indeed a rarity. I generally can't stand people that long, or they manage to piss me off, and I go away, or they just flat out blow me off. This is really just not the case. And whereas after six months, I can say that I know Alicia very well, at the same time there is just so much more that I want to know and learn. This woman absolutely intrigues me. She stimulates my mind with her wit and knowledge base. She fascinates me with her capacity to love and to DO for other people that which should have been done for her for many, many years. She tantalizes my sences with her modest, yet incredibly sexy wardrobe. Most of all, she challenges me to be better than I am on a daily basis.
Of the other two long-term relationships that I participated in, i KNEW that the other two were destined for failure by the six month mark. I knew that I was in a spiral, and that things oculd only get worse from that point on. With Alicia, I feel that things can, and will only continue to get better. With every passing day, I learn to love her, respect her, and understand her all that much more. She and I have a bond that seems to be absolutely impenitrable. A bond that I have never put to doubt. I know that things here are not ideal. Hell, the WORLD is not ideal, but for what we have, and everything that she is to me, I am truly grateful. I feel compelled to grow as a person, a boyfriend, a friend, and as a man. There is nothing in the world that I would not do for this woman, and to her, I would just like to say "Happy 6-Month".
<3
Feb. 24th, 2005 @ 05:54 pm
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So here we are again. It’s about time for me to post another journal entry that most likely nobody will ever read. Lately, I’ve been a bit on edge because of a bit of financial strain, but things may possibly be turning around. Alicia just got herself a raise at work, and form the looks of it, they are considering promoting me or getting me a raise at my work as well. That would be great and all considering how tired I am getting of sharing a house with people that I don’t really know. I’m so beyond ready to go and get my own place/place with Alicia. Between the karaoke in the middle of the night IN VIETNAMESE, the loud movies, and the overly excessive electric bill that they just slapped me with, I’m managing to not get much rest, and really not able to save money all that much. When I moved down here it was with the idea that there was to be a common place that would be available semi-immediately, so I moved assuming those conditions. Not really planning on staying in any one place all that long before being able to settle in. Well now it seems the plan has changed. It has become realized that the house idea was out of reach and that most all options were somewhat hard to grasp. Well, that’s ok, but I’m paying the same amount to live where I am, sharing someone’s house as I would pay renting out a studio. Once you include the costs of renting a storage space for all of my shit and the cost of eating out since I don’t have a kitchen that I can really use… I’m shelling out about the same cash. I can afford it… it just doesn’t leave all that much room for savings.
Other than that, things are going well here in San Diego. I am working my ass off at this new job. Things with Alicia and I could not be better… well… almost. ;)
We are nearing our 6-month anniversary. This is such a huge milestone for me. I seldom make it to this mark without getting bored, frustrated, or just tired of the company that I am in. This is not the case at all with Alicia. We compliment each other so well, it’s sickening. I spend all kinds of time with her, and even after all of that, I am left wanting more. Without being too repetitive I am happy.
That is about it for now.
Feb. 8th, 2005 @ 10:00 pm
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Once again, I have allowed a great deal of time to lapse between posts. Whereas I will not go so far as to post an apology, I will go into a little bit of detail the things that have been going on in my life. For one, my grandmother had her 90th birthday party recently, and it was the bit “to do” up in LA. I found it to be mostly a depressing time because it seemed that the undertone of the whole thing was more of a “one last goodbye” than a “and many more”. It would have been okay if the gifts had not been passed around. My grandmother had gotten each of the people that were significant in here life a mini Faberge egg, and in that egg had hand-written a note. Mine… just caused me to well up with sorrow. I was consumed then with the idea that this was going to be the last time I was going to see her alive, and it truly depressed me.
The new job has kept me busy. It’s not all that impressive, and really nothing to brag about, but the company seems to have a certain degree of potential. I don’t know. Perhaps something good will come from this job. I’m not one to say. I’ll keep my eyes open nonetheless.
Finally, we get to my love life. Alicia and I are fast approaching a large milestone in our relationship. We have thus far seen and experienced a great deal as a couple. I have seen her through a surgery, and nursed her back to health. I have seen her through her first car accident while her family was out of town. We had a Christmas together, and are coming on a Valentines Day. I have to say, that in my life, there have been a lot of people that have come and gone, and for the most part I have taken all of that with a grain of salt. Alicia is different. She is one person that I think would truly scar me if she left. I have found such a plethora of love, joy and happiness in these past months to a degree in which I have never experienced. From what I have seen and what I have experienced, the relationship that we share is virtually perfect. We have an open channel of communication, we come form similar backgrounds, we have similar goals and desires for life, and most importantly, we have both known what it is like to put everything into a relationship and to not have it fully returned. This relationship is so intense that it is hard to describe at times. The sheer energy I feel whenever I am with her is enough to make my head spin. I have never felt this… closeness to anyone. Yes, I have had a long-term relationship, and no it did not feel anything like this. I am discovering more and more that it does not really matter what I am, as long as I am myself. Alicia is so ardent about this. She insists that I do not have to be anything other than what I want to be/truly am. When I call her, I can hear her voice soften as she recognizes that it is me on the line. When I get text messages from her, my heart skips. I can’t ever seem to get enough time with her. It is somewhat ridiculous considering I see her every day now. It just seems that the days that we have together go by so quickly, and we are then dumped back into the middle of another workweek. I know that things with us are still relatively new, but I hope that we are able to keep this spark and this magic that I feel for her alive for a long, long time. I may not show it all of the time, but I am truly content right now. I finally have a reason to smile. I wake up in the morning, and she is the first thing that crosses my mind, and all I can do is smile about it. This is what it is supposed to feel like. This is that love that comes along once in your lifetime, which you hold on to and don’t let go. I hope that the feeling is reciprocated. I know that it is. To the woman of my life, thank you for being my perfect match. I love you with all my heart and soul. <3
Jan. 20th, 2005 @ 10:40 pm
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i'm drained. my mind is working in overdrive. time for me to go jump in a hole and bury myself. bleh.
Jan. 3rd, 2005 @ 06:00 pm
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| » I'm not quite dead yet |
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Here we are again. I realize that it has been oh so very long since the last time that I truly had a chance to post, but things have been extremely busy for me lately. On the 10th of December, I made my move. I, with the help of a good friend and Alicia, packed up all of my shit into a truck and headed south to San Diego. The pack was fairly effortless, and in reality was many times easier than I had expected it to be. I suppose the reason that the move into the place in Encino was so bad was all of the shit that Matt brought with him. I swear, sometimes I think that he just collects junk to annoy people. Whatever, he’s not my problem anymore.
For the first week and a half, I was residing at Alicia’s “parents” place. That was definitely an interesting experience. The first week there flew by. I spent my mornings trying to work a shower schedule around Alicia, going to work, taking car of stuff after work and then coming home to her dad… who really seemed to be less and less happy to see me as each day passed. I don’t let it bother me though. I suppose it bothers him to see his only daughter, and eldest child finally trying to spread her wings and separate herself from him a bit. Honestly though, all-in-all, he was a gracious host and my stay there was an overall good experience.
About a week before Christmas Annette, Alicia’s step mom, decided to pick a fight and to establish her dominance as the only “lady of the house” as if anyone could EVER forget that she was around. Not only did she deeply wound Alicia that night with her THREE-HOUR bitch fest, she then proceeded to increase her pace of making Alicia feel unwelcome at home. Little things. She’d do it in a way that was veiled to the untrained eye but when you look closer, you see clear as day what she is up to. She took away the one thing that makes Christmas special to Alicia: cutting down the tree from the pinery. The more I watch this, the more angered I become. Yes, I bite my tongue, as it is not my place HOWEVER, there is a line that has been drawn in the sand. If she crosses that line, I do not think that I will be able to silence myself. I do not like to see Alicia upset like that, and I do not like the deceptive methods that Annette uses to attain that which she desires. She constantly tells Alicia that she wants a relationship with her… I only wonder for what purpose. Perhaps so she can get an inside edge and push her all of the way out. I just don’t know.
Alicia took me to her pinery. We looked at the trees and had a great heart-to-heart. The past few weeks have been truly magical. I think that is the only word that can truly describe it. The more we talk, the more like each other we realize we are. The more we realize that, the closer we become. I can’t remember the last time that I enjoyed talking to someone the way that I enjoy talking to Alicia. It’s crazy. I feel like she truly understands it all, and better yet, empathizes with it.
Time rolled on, and so did the stressors of the holiday season. I am known for my hatred of the holidays, but especially Christmas. I just can’t seem to EVER enjoy myself, nor do I ever find any joy with that holiday, so I tend to hide myself away in my room and avoid people. Too bad I wasn’t allowed to do that. How rude. :P
For the month of December, Alicia had asked me non-stop what she could do to help me to lighten the load that was bearing me down. She wanted to take some of the stress off of my shoulders. Well, I don’t like help. I don’t like asking for help, I can take care of myself. Right? Wrong. She got pissed that I took that stance, and basically argued me out of it. She refused to accept that I wanted to deal with my own drama and keep her out of it. In the end, she was right. It was really nice to have someone helping to take care of me for a change. There are the things that are easy to let go of, and the ones that are not so simple though. I have so many years of bad memories surrounding Christmas, but for some crazy reason, I constantly look back to that place where the pain originates. Alicia was asking me all the time what was on my mind, and I’d always tell her “later, later”. Here it is. For the duration of the Christmas season, I have thought about “home” a great deal. I have felt that I don’t really have one. Last year, as many of you know, I went out to NH to see my home. When I was out there, I came to realize that things had changed so much, that there really was no home for me there anymore. More recently, I have come into contact with my cousins from that side of the family, Julianne and Brittany. They are both so excited to hear from me, and I them, but I am left in a state of wonder about what rekindling relationships with them entails. I know that Glenn has heard of all of this, and has been asking about me. I have my questions for him that still need answers, and I know that I cannot move on with my life fully until I get those answers. Hopefully, that can happen sooner than later. I moved out of my parents place a while back, and am now in a completely different city than my entire family. I am the ONLY ONE in San Diego. I am currently living in a rented room in a house… so, this is not really my home. If Christmas is all about homes and family… and I am missing such a huge chunk of all of that, I am sure the conclusion can be drawn as to where my mind wanders to. I want to know the answers to my questions for Glenn. I want to know where my home really is. I want to start that home. I want to feel like I can finally plant my roots in the ground and not drift about anymore. I am quite honestly fed up with the moving from place-to-place. I just want to settle. Hopefully, San Diego will provide that for me. If my time with Alicia is representative of the Christmas that she recently gave to me… I will have the most amazing life imaginable. She went so far out of her way on Christmas to make it memorable and to make sure that I was in my own element and doing well, it really caught me by surprise. She really did make this Christmas the first truly happy one since I can truly even remember. Alicia, I know that you read these. Thank you for that. <3
Christmas has come and gone now. We are drifting along in the wake of the holiday awaiting a new year. I was at work today and I got an email from Alicia that I will never delete. Much like the gift that she gave me on Christmas that had me in tears, I have not ever had anyone say the things to me that she says. I will treasure this note forever. I have not been this happy since before I realized what the world was all about. I am truly grateful for everything that I have, and for the people that grace the pages of my life’s story. Most of all, I am truly grateful to have met and to be with a woman as wonderful as Alicia. She truly makes each and every day joyous, and worth living. I only wish there was more time so that I could truly do EVERYTHING with her that I have dreamed of. I am going to sign off now. I am tired, and I need to work in the morning.
Dec. 27th, 2004 @ 11:20 pm
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<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
*dances the night away
Dec. 19th, 2004 @ 10:34 pm
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| » teh holidae party |
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So it’s Friday now. We all know what that means. Yes, that’s right, Alicia is coming up for the weekend! Yay! It’s going to be a good weekend, methinks. Tonight is my company’s holiday party, being held at Skirball. From what I understand, that place is posh. I may actually wear a tie! There will be mingling, and dinner… and drinks. Let’s not forget the other “d” word. I just don’t know what style. It’s been a while since I’ve done that… hopefully I can keep up. Either way, I’m happy to see her, and it’ll be nice to be able to take her to something nice like this… considering I’m running on a fairly tight budget right now. Yay, holidays. So, I’ll just sit here at work and hope that the day progresses rapidly.
<3 Alicia!
Dec. 3rd, 2004 @ 07:29 am
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The drama is unfolding from all angles. As if I really needed any more stress right now. Someone decided to kick it up a notch. First of all, I had my third interview with Newgen yesterday. That was good and all, but the trouble is, they are looking for someone to be the “step above” the rest… and from what the lady told me, she just was not seeing that. She told me that she was going to have to hold off on the hire. So I asked her if there was anything else that I could do, or if possibly, they could take me on as a probationary hire, so that I would have an opportunity to show them exactly what I could do. She told me that was a possibility, but that she wanted to see some good references first. References from my last few employers. After we terminated that call, I was fairly upset. I called Alicia on my way home, and she wasn’t all that happy about it. I felt that I had failed, and was pretty much ready to crawl in a hole. Alicia, of course, wouldn’t let me. She’s always keeping me from bumping my ass. It’s really quite amazing. She called her dad, and returned my call about the time I got into my room. She cheered me up, and encouraged me to contact John back, and to track down the references. I did. I called John, and left him a VM. I called everyone that I know that was a manager at Minolta… and they all whole-heartedly agreed to give me a great reference. So… today, I just have to email this list to John… and perhaps there is still hope for me with this job that I am dying for.
When Alicia got home from work, she called me… and sounded fairly upset. Apparently, her dad had given her a job offer. From what I know, and what I have seen, I advised against it. She seems fairly torn about the whole thing. I don’t know. It’s not my decision, but I think that she would regret taking that job with him. She posted about it in her LJ for those of you who read both of ours… and I my comments.
So here we go. It’s crunch time. Christmas is in 4 weeks. I’m broke as shit. I am trying desperately to get a job down there. Alicia is all confused about her situation. Her boss was sick yesterday, so she ended up picking up even more slack, and was… tired to say the least. I don’t know what to do right now. I’m just trying to get things settled before I make any drastic changes. I need that job. I need to move. I want out of LA. I’m so determined. This is so strange. I have not been this determined before. I hope that something comes of it. I hope that Alicia is able to think clearly, and to make a decision appropriately. I hope that I can make some extra cash for Christmas. Too much crap all at once. I suppose if I can do this… and I could survive my past… that I am going to be fine. Things will work out for the best… I hope.
<3
Dec. 2nd, 2004 @ 07:07 am
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| » Splash 3 |
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Another day another dollar… or so the saying goes. I have been scheduled for a third interview with a company that I would love to go and work for. They seem to have everything that I need, and would be a great growth opportunity for me. Not only that, they would also allow me to either: go back and finish school, or to pursue outside interests as I deem necessary. Either way, I see it as a great opportunity. Wish me luck folks!
Things with Alicia are great! She and I seem to get closer and closer with each passing day. I find myself sitting around and wondering what my life would be like right now if I had not gone to that party. Yeah, I already know. Drowning myself in mindless activities with no aspirations or desires for the future. Sitting idle, perfectly content in my own misery. This is not to say that I have no personal drive or motivation, but it does mean that she encourages me to grasp my dreams, confident that I can do whatever I want to do… if I put my mind to it. I asked her last night why she had so much confidence in me… her answer was really interesting. She said that I seemed like someone who is very approachable. That’s funny, because I had always thought of myself as the opposite of that. Either way. I got her a nifty gift the other day. It was meant to be her Christmas present, but I could not hold back the angst at the idea of what her face would look like when she opened it… so I gave it to her as an anniversary gift. It seems that she likes it. She and I are like two peas in a pod. It’s simply amazing how any two people could get along as well as we do. I feel so fortunate to have met her, and to have her in my life the way that she is. She is my support, my friend, my love, the one that I run to, and the one that I confide in. I love her in a way that I cannot put to words. I am happy. For the first time in a long time, I am truly happy. So this is what love really feels like…
Dec. 1st, 2004 @ 06:38 am
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I feel like shit today. My nerves are completely shot. I am stressed out more than I know how to handle. I just want to go to bed and sleep until this goes away.
Nov. 30th, 2004 @ 06:36 am
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| » Gobble fucking gobble |
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So here we are… the day after Thanksgiving. All the good girls and boys are tucked safe and warm in bed, and I am here… at work… miserable. I would like for someone to explain to me what asshat at the NYSE decided to be open for business today, Christmas eve, and New Year’s Eve… so that I can put a bullet in his head. Here I am… typing away… la la la, meanwhile there’s a certain someone asleep in my bed. Great. I get to work an 8 hour shift… and leave her there alone. What a load of crap. I’m so mad at this company right now that I could scream.
Yesterday was ok. The only redeeming quality about it all was the fact that Alicia was there with me. She definitely helped to make this holiday a bit more bearable. I was amazed that she was willing to leave her family behind to be with me. Little things like that remind me of how incredibly lucky I am to have her in my life.
Holidays have been shitty to me for a long time now. Alicia and I had a pretty good talk about them last night. She could tell that something was wrong, and kept pressing me on it. When I asked her whey she was trying so hard to get in my head, she replied, “I want to understand you better so that I can do to you what you do for me”… meaning… to make the holidays more bearable. I know how hard she is trying to figure me out, and it is so sweet that she wants to know everything about me. I’m very used to the opposite, making it very hard for me to open up to her in that way. I am used to being the one that asks the questions, and not really allowing the focus to fall on me at all. Alicia will not accept that. She was giving me hell the other day because she said that it seems like I go too far sometimes to take care of her. She feels as though it is not a 50/50 thing. Well… that’s kind of what I am used to. I am used to being mooched off of. I am used to being the only one that gives anything. Every time she tries to change that, I resist it a little… but it’s strange. It feels so right to have it be an even thing… to have us both in it giving like that. She’s so incredible. I really don’t think that I can be ever grateful enough for having found her. *sigh* Is it time for me to go home yet?
<3
Nov. 26th, 2004 @ 06:47 am
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| » Feliz Navi... aw fuckit. BAH HUMBUG!! |
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The holidays are right upon us. Let me just take a moment to express the monumental amount of joy that I have built up to that… ok done. In my experience, the holidays have not been anything worth celebrating as of late. It seems to me that they have become more and more about who can outdo who with gifts/dinners/people over, and less about the spirit of what is actually being celebrated. I have no troubles whatsoever with Don’s heritage, or celebrating that, but each and every year it is the same thing. I go out and get gifts for all of his family… at the demand of my mother who insists that I not “be like my father” (oh yes, the holidays are her favorite time to tell me that I am ruining things) and participate in the gift exchange. So I go out and spend time, and purchase gifts that are thoughtful for everyone. I look at what interests people have, and what they do in their free time, and purchase accordingly. I end up spending way more money than I can afford, and drive myself into a nifty financial rut. Here is how the gift exchange goes. On Dec 24, everyone gathers, we have dinner, and then sit down for the exchange. It turns into a festival focused on Don’s nephew (Donnie), who is the son of Don’s Sister (Barbara of Babs as we call her) and her husband (Don). YES. There are 3 fucking Dons in the same room… all in the same family. I get a Chinese food doggie bag full of cookies from them as a gift each year. Darrin, my oldest stepbrother, and his wife Heather get me some gadget from the sharper image… usually that I will never use, or have absolutely no use for. Last year they got me a kit that helps dig your car out if you get stuck off-roading. Last time I checked… I drive a sports car… so… WHEN am I going to be off-roading? Well… I mean… I appreciate the thought and all… of the gifts. Trouble is, I don’t think that any thought is really put in to them. I’d rather just NOT do that exchange… and just enjoy the time with family. It’s usually only about three times a year that they get together anyway.
I miss the intimate little Christmases that we used to celebrate in NH. Immediate family, and possibly grandparents were there. We’d all get up, and go downstairs… brew up some hot cocoa and unwrap gifts in our pj’s. I think that when I have my own family, I’d really enjoy just having a simple, very intimate Christmas with them. I don’t want to go ballistic with having 50 people crammed into one house, or to even think that the meaning is so far gone. There is so much in this life that has lost its luster over the years, I don’t want to think that the Christmas season is one of them. The sad reality is though, that it died for me a long time ago. It’s lame, but Christmas does not seem like Christmas when I can frolic outside in shorts. It does not feel like Christmas when I feel that I do not BELONG in the house in which gifts are being exchanged. It does not feel like Christmas when I feel obligated to purchase gifts for people… that I never see. Quite honestly, I see Alicia’s family a hell of a lot more often than my own, let alone the extended family. I hate feeling like the outcast, or like a servant at holiday dinners. Yes, I’m the big strong guy. Big deal. Does that mean that EVERY year while everyone else is busy stuffing their faces with desserts, I get to clean? I usually try to hide out in my room or Thief’s room just to avoid the chaos. Mom has not told me yet when Thanksgiving is starting, but… *sigh*. It’s all such a headache. I am so very ready to have my own Christmas at home. I can picture a nice Blue Spruce decorated by hand by… well… each ornament hand selected form stores, the collection of which will grow over time… a hand-made angel atop the tree… and a few packages placed delicately beneath the tree, each one thoughtful… a nice crackling fire going in the background… some nice peppermint hot cocoa… and cuddling up on the sofa… just soaking in the environment… soaking in all of it. I can picture it so vividly in my mind it’s somewhat disturbing. Christmas for two. Damn that sounds nice. There’s nothing that says that there is no room for participation with “the family” either the night before, or a bit later that day… but to be able to just sit there and just be content. I think that it in itself could salvage what is left of the spirit of the holiday. I want to see her face light up as she unwraps whatever it is that I placed there for her. I don’t know. I’m so damn far ahead of myself on this one… but damn, I’d love it.
So anyway, now that I am back from fantasy-land, perhaps one day I’ll have that Christmas that I dream about every now and again. For now, I get to deal with … what I have. I also need to make a decision about Christmas this year. Here is the shitty thing about living far from the one you love… What do I do? What day do I pull myself away from it all to see her. I want to go and be with her on Christmas, but at the same time, I do not want to intrude on her family’s festivities. I don’t want to be so cumbersome.
This is all just another reason why I need to get down there. Why in the world can’t I find anything?! @#$%
Nov. 23rd, 2004 @ 07:08 am
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You Are the Individualist |
4
You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.
You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.
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Nov. 22nd, 2004 @ 08:57 am
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For what started out really lousy and very miserable, turned out to be a very peaceful, relaxing weekend. The days prior to me heading to San Diego were extremely busy, laced with the essence of stupidity that is this office. I don’t know how most of these people got in to management. It really frustrates the hell out of me, however, to work for people who are so incompetent that their entire department is fed up with their antics. I’m not on here to gripe about work today. I’m going to talk about the other thing that occupies my time… my girlfriend, the most incredible woman in the world, Alicia. For all of the time that I spent in transit to see her on Friday, she MUST be something truly amazing.
Friday, I left work at 3pm. For those of you who know the area, I work in the San Fernando Valley, in Warner Center, near Fry’s and BJ’s. I left there at 3pm on Friday afternoon. It took me two-and-a-half hours to get from Warner Center to Century Blvd (just south of LAX). From there, I hit every single imaginable patch of traffic. Around 6pm, while festering in Irvine, Alicia called me (this was the third or fourth call at this point), and I inquired about the toll roads. I am very thankful that she was there calming me down that whole time. Traffic and I do not mix very well. It’s amazing that I have survived in L.A. for so long. Anyway, I did not step foot in her house until 7:20pm… 4 hours and 20 minutes after departure. Keep in mind now, that a normal afternoon drive down there for me lasts about 2 hours and 30 minutes or so. When I go home on Sunday evenings, it takes me about 1 hour and 45 minutes. That traffic… just sucked so much ass. BAAAAAAH!!
When I arrived, I had to go inside, because Tyce was asking about me. I said my hello, and we pretty much left right away to go and get food. We headed over to the Fortune Cookie. Not bad if I do say so myself. It reminded me of P.F. Chang’s only it tasted better. We snuggled up before and after the meal. After that, we headed back to the house, and Alicia filled up a few buckets of water from the pool so that she could flush her toilet, and headed upstairs. Oh, did I fail to mention that the water main was broken on the house when I got there? Yeah. Good times. We snuggled up a bit in her room, but it was obvious that she was really drained, so I headed to my chamber to go to sleep. About ten minutes after I had settled in the bed, she came down in to my room. She had brought my shirt down that I apparently had left in her room the last time that I was there. Placing that on my chair, she came over and lay on the bed next to me, giving me a big ole hug, and told me that she loved me. I enjoyed that moment immensely. She headed back upstairs to her room after that, and went to sleep. We had plenty to do the next day.
In the morning we were in somewhat of a rush. The water was turned back on around seven, and Alicia hopped in the shower around 7:20. I took mine afterwards, and we headed over to Julia’s place because she needed some help with her fish tank. Julia was painting the wall in the kitchen, where the fish tank was placed, and needed some help moving it so that she could paint behind it. With the tank half drained, it probably weighed about 300lbs or so. Luckily for me, Julia had another “able bodied” man there to help me… *snicker*. Anyway, I lifted up the sides of the fish tank, and Alicia and Julia placed little sliding feet on it. It worked out pretty well. The whole escapade took about 45 minutes or so. It was nice to have met Julia… when she’s not upset about something. Last time I saw her, I thought that I had done something to offend her. After this fish endeavor, we headed back to the house again to get her dad. House shopping… weeeeee. My vote is still for house #1 in RB. Hehe. Nachos at home after that, and then a visit to K-Fart who was advertising 50% off storewide… yay for advertising lies. We went to Stein Mart and Home goods after that, and then headed home to relax. We cuddled up in her bed for a bit. It was really nice. I can’t even begin to describe the feelings and emotions that she brings out of me. We went to Friday’s for dinner, and headed home afterwards. Back on the bed for more cuddling. I see a pattern here, and trust me, I’m not complaining one bit. When I realized that she had passed out, I glanced at the clock. Yeah, it was past her bedtime. When she came back to, I told her that I was going to go to bed, and let her sleep. My room had been moved that day to the upstairs (see that, I’m getting promoted :p). I gave her a hug, and headed out to my new room. 3am rolled around and there was a NICE rainstorm. I slept well, aside from the nightmares that I had that night. I woke up around 5:30am to the sound of a thunderstorm! I LOVE thunderstorms. That was beyond awesome.
Sunday was filled with shopping. I think that is how we spent pretty much the entire day. We went to Fashion Valley, and then to (Mission Valley?). Alicia found a shirt for the pictures and a dress for the Christmas party. She also pointed out to me a set of martini glasses that were on sale at Bed, Bath & Beyond that I jumped all over. I now have a fucking AWESOME set of glasses in which to enjoy martinis. We went out to Claim Jumper for dinner, and came back to watch TV afterwards. I gave her a massage because she really needed it… even though her dad, jokingly, was telling me to knock it off and that I was setting the standard too high… making other guys look bad… hehe. We said our goodbyes after Law & Order, and I drove home.
I am so tired of “driving home”. Not because I don’t like driving, or because I do not want to spend the money on gas, or anything like that. I hate living this far from Alicia. My luck with my job search down there so far has bore no fruit. *sigh* Why isn’t this happening? I’m doing everything that I know how to do. I’ve even asked a friend for a hookup, which he’s done. I just don’t know if it will fall through. It’s depressing. I love our time together, and I want more. I wouldn’t mind the drive home if I knew that it was 5/10/15/20 minutes, and that I could visit again whenever I wanted. It’s so hard right now. I don’t know. I’m just going to keep on being persistent with my search, and hope that something comes up. )=
<3
Nov. 22nd, 2004 @ 07:23 am
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It’s not like I have enough time to be writing this, or that I really have anything to say, but due to “popular demand”, I’m going to post a little blurb. My boss and her evel henchwomen has been keeping me so fucking buried in bullshit projects, that I can barely ever have a chance to stop and take a breath. I have not had time to be active on any form of outside communication for the past few days, sparing the occasional brief email. I am getting beyond my normal ability to just “suck it up”. I seriously am just beyond ready to just quit. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to do that, so I am somewhat stuck here. I have put out my resume so many times now, that I have lost count. The market for jobs just is hopeless right now. I don’t get it. I don’t remember it being this bad in the past. I still today have not received either a letter or a call from Aetna. I wonder what their deal is. I wish that they had given me a phone number or their full names so that I could follow up with my interviewer, instead of with the HR department.
I don’t know what it is going to take, and I don’t really even care at this point. I need that job. Some of you know what I am talking about, and others don’t. For those of you who don’t, try talking to me once-in-a-while. I had hoped that I would have had it by now. I was hoping that I would have a cool job… something… anything. I feel so hopeless. I have been putting all of the energy that I have left in to this… but seem to be getting nowhere. Should I go back and do the temp thing? I don’t know. Maybe temp-to-hire would not be all that bad… but still… I like the security. I need the benefits and PTO. *sigh* What the hell am I doing wrong? Bleh.
Nov. 19th, 2004 @ 05:21 am
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